Rude little pig Tina read on my computer about Alec Baldwin calling his eleven year old girl a "rude little pig" on the answering machine, angry that she's stood him up for a phone appointment. We were completely shocked that he would say this horrible thing to his own daughter. I began to think about the bad things I've done as a parent, just to compare and get a better idea of how truly terrible Alec Baldwin is. In a moment I thought of a few things that easily seemed worse than what he did.

I ventured that we assume this is typical behavior for Baldwin. We imagine that this is the tip of the iceberg, but there is no evidence of that. The only fair thing is to assume that this is the worst thing he's ever done, and then think if it's much worse than things we do.

"I've done much worse things than that," Tina reported, after a moment. I was glad, because I thought I was the worst parent.

Just then this terrible smell wafted around the corner from the bathroom. It was Toby: he had taken a particularly smelly crap and hadn't closed the bathroom door. We don't tend to close the door, because the bathroom is small and the door is awkwardly close to the toilet. Still, his crap really did stink.

"Close the door, you rude little pig!" I yelled.

"What?" he asked, insolently. He knew what I wanted.

"Close the door, you rude little pig!"

Tina and I spent the rest of the day calling him a rude little pig, and he didn't even see a reason to comment on his new name. We finally told him the story at dinner.  ¶ 8:30 AM